Sept 19 ( uploading my paper written journal entry)
Today I woke around 830 am and watched some YouTube. I also got a message from Stephen asking it he and Hayden could come by and hang out and I of corse said yes. Around 1 I ate lunch and got dressed. Around 215 Hayden got here and we hung out till around 430. I then went back to my room and watched some YouTube and contemplated how depressed I've become. Ever since my accident I have been shutting myself off from the world and everyone in it. I feel as though I have been selfish and unfair to my children and husband I do not spend as much time with them as I should and that is not right. I feel as though I've waisted 2015. On March 3rd I broke my calf bones and could not walk or take care of my nephew anymore so I started to withdraw from everything and everyone and I became depressed that I couldn't walk or have Hayden around I once raised him for a long long time from eight months to three years old he lived with me day and night till weekend when he went with his awesome dad and the I watched him on weekday hours now I rarely see him due to everyone's busy schedule and it has been a shock to my system and prob his too so I try not to dwell about him because if I do I get too sad. Now that doesn't mean I never ever see him because I do it's just everyone except me works and goes to school and I try not to think about him because I do it's just I try not to I think that because I have not talked about or thought about him It has done more bad than good because when you hold things inside and throw them out of thought then it will pent up and sooner or later it will overflow and when it overflows for me since I am bi-polar it doesn't overflow like a toilet it overflows like a breached levy in a hurricane. When that happens watch out I become psychotic. When I become manic like that it can have strong consequences for me and those around me which are usually family that don't deserve it. But I'm not at the stage that I just don't listen to my inner self and I don't talk about the issues at hand and that's not boiling over yet but it's brewing and causing side effects like not wanting to get out of bed not wanting to leave my room not wanting to go anywhere not wanting to take care of my body ie take showers brush hair wear clothes clean house those types of things. I'm writing this all down so I can look back on it and make a note of what's going on and try to fix it I need to look at my situation from the outside as if I'm deciphering someone else. But I don't yet know what the solution will be. I keep having odd random thoughts pop up in my head so much that I'm writing them down I don't know of to is happening because I've been inactive and my brain is firing off sparks of thoughts. Dear lord please push me to get well. I don't know if it is that obvious to my family but I am so sad so unmotivated so fatigued one thing I wish I knew how to do is get out of to see state of being because that's such a waste of time
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