Journal entry day sept 19 2015

Sept 19 ( uploading my paper written journal entry) 

Today I woke around 830 am and watched some YouTube. I also got a message from Stephen asking it he and Hayden could come by and hang out and I of corse said yes. Around 1 I ate lunch and got dressed. Around 215 Hayden got here and we hung out till around 430. I then went back to my room and watched some YouTube and contemplated how depressed I've become. Ever since my accident I have been shutting myself off from the world and everyone in it. I feel as though I have been selfish and unfair to my children and husband I do not spend as much time with them as I should and that is not right. I feel as though I've waisted 2015. On March 3rd I broke my calf bones and could not walk or take care of my nephew anymore so I started to withdraw from everything and everyone and I became depressed that I couldn't walk or have Hayden around I once raised him for a long long time from eight months to three years old he lived with me day and night till weekend when he went with his awesome dad and the I watched him on weekday hours now I rarely see him due to everyone's busy schedule and it has been a shock to my system and prob his too so I try not to dwell about him because if I do I get too sad. Now that doesn't mean I never ever see him because I do it's just everyone except me works  and goes to school and I try not to think about him because I do it's just I try not to I think that because I have not talked about or thought about him It has done more bad than good because when you hold things inside and throw them out of thought then it will pent up and sooner or later it will overflow and when it overflows for me since I am bi-polar it doesn't overflow like a toilet it overflows like a breached levy in a hurricane. When that happens watch out I become psychotic. When I become manic like that it can have strong consequences for me and those around me which are usually family that don't deserve it. But I'm not at the stage that I just don't listen to my inner self and I don't talk about the issues at hand and that's not boiling over yet but it's brewing and causing side effects like not wanting to get out of bed not wanting to leave my room not wanting to go anywhere not wanting to take care of my body ie take showers brush hair wear clothes clean house those types of things. I'm writing this all down so I can look back on it and make a note of what's going on and try to fix it I need to look at my situation from the outside as if I'm deciphering someone else. But I don't yet know what the solution will be. I keep having odd random thoughts pop up in my head so much that I'm writing them down I don't know of to is happening because I've been inactive and my brain is firing off sparks of thoughts. Dear lord please push me to get well. I don't know if it is that obvious to my family but I am so sad so unmotivated so fatigued  one thing I wish I knew how to do is get out of to see state of being because that's such a  waste of time 

Halloween

Took my baby's trick or treating it sorta sucked because I can't walk so we took the Tahoe and went that way I mean it worked well but I enjoy walking it's just my back has been so terribly painful to where I can not stand on my feet more than three min without spasms erupting causing me to cripple over in pain I know it's my scoliosis and the screws from my operation causing edema and arthritis I'm getting really tired of living like this I can't do anything I can't even enjoy my family and the awesome fall activities and I have yet to have a shopping trip since before March and I love shopping! I'm so angry with my body and it's got me depressed and sad and hopeless but other than that I'm so grateful I could take them and spend that time with them I even took them awhile ago to adventure land USA I think it's called and they had a blast but they only way we were able to do it is if I used a wheelchair so I didn't get to enjoy all the rollercoasters and rides the go carts and laser tag but at least I got to watch my kids enjoy themselves I just wish God would take all this away so I can enjoy my life anywho sorry to be all negative nancy over here it's just I have no one to talk to no friends anyone I know is on fb and lives far away and I don't talk to them often so it's the only way I know to get my thoughts and such out.

Everyone deserves a chance

So I was watching a YouTube video about these people that volunteer their time in Africa to help people that are afflicted with jiggers. It touched my heart and had me thinking and this is the conversation I had with myself haha. Ok so these people that live in Africa are so poor they can't afford simple flip flops to cover their feet see apparently these jigger bugs can't jump high so simple sandals or flip flops will solve the problem of keeping these bugs from burrowing into the skin and laying eggs. It makes me so sad that I sit here in my air conditioned house on my microfiber bed writing on my iPad and looking at all this stuff I own and listening to my children play the newest halo on the Xbox one. Totally sickening to think these people and children of all ages are suffering so much and it makes me feel so guilty. How is it we live in a world where there are people that have so much money that they could retire and live off their bank account for the rest of their lives and their family can survive the next thousand years on that's money and yea they made their money or they were born into a family that made their money one way or another and that's ok that's fine they are not at fault for this system. The problem is we get to live this life one time and I believe it's not right for so many people to be suffering only due to where they were born or who gave birth to them. What I mean is these people given the chance would bust their bottom to provide for themselves and family. Also I think about how much resources we have in this world today   You hear about so many people saying the earth doesn't make enough food yet the United States of America alone throws away something like a third of the food we have so how could anyone say that there's just not enough to feed everyone. Not only is that a lie in my opinion but it's a lame excuse to use. Not only is there enough food but we have enough to clothe the world as well and that's just the stuff that gets disregarded by either kids growing out of their clothing or people with money needing the newest trendy clothing.  I know I'm going on and on and on. But there's a reason I am saying all this its to give you an example of the thoughts I'm having about it all. I believe there's enough everything in this world for everyone to live a happy and sustainable life yet due to the systems in place this is not happening and that means this system doesn't work because isn't that why the system is there isn't it so we can survive and enjoy our lives shouldn't that be at the core of our lives?  Should we not strive to make sure ever single person on the planet is taken care of? What's the purpose of it all if everyone can't live a happy life?  In this world the rich get richer and the poor get poorer and that must change. It can change because we the poor out number the rich and the rich are the ones in power all over the world don't think because you live in a democracy they don't rule over you because they do elections are just a ruse to keep us all from rising against them and changing things to what they should be in turn dropping them down a notch by lifting us up to their level. I am not for a socialist  society I believe everyone deserves everything they work for but I also think everyone deserves the same chance to make their lives worth living. Does that make any sense?  Now you all are reading this saying well that's great  and all yea I think everyone deserves a chance as well so now what lady how will we change the system? How will we make it fair for everyone?  Well as we know from history things can change governments can change laws can change. So what we need is the people willing to stand up and make it happen and like I said we outnumber them all we need to do is spread the word get likeminded smart peel together and start sharing ideas on how to make it work I don't have all the answers and if I or anyone did they would have started the change long ago   One thing I know needs to change to start is we need our America back we need our constitution back and those that think we have our constitution think again we have been secretly loosing our rights day by day the laws have been changing and so has our government the governments of the world are trying to band together to make a new world a one world government and when that happens we can all say goodbye to the thought of everyone having the chance to be something. I know I'm getting deeper but I tend to just go deep into things when I get going. But due to this being a written blog I'd like to end it here so people aren't reading for an hour lol I know to some of you maybe even most of you who ever you are reading this might think I'm crazy for thinking this was especially about our government and our rights and freedoms but that's ok you should question everything and research it on your own look at what all has been changing in our last few decades we have slowly been changing into something we are not meant to be. I ask you to please consider thinking about all I've said here and please feel free to comment or video log or blog even a response I wrote this just for people to do so I want everyone to try to think outside of your bubble outside of what effects you today and what might effect you tomorrow and what effects others today thank you so much for taking the time to read and to those I may have lit a spark in I am so grateful I've been able to do so. By the way if you want you can contact me on Facebook just search for Stephanie Farace Hamilton I'm the only one I'm also on Twitter @sandm4eternity although I don't use that as much I am also not on fb a lot but I am on YouTube often just search my name or sandm4eternity. Not sure which way to find me. Again thanks and God bless.