Journal entry day sept 19 2015

Sept 19 ( uploading my paper written journal entry) 

Today I woke around 830 am and watched some YouTube. I also got a message from Stephen asking it he and Hayden could come by and hang out and I of corse said yes. Around 1 I ate lunch and got dressed. Around 215 Hayden got here and we hung out till around 430. I then went back to my room and watched some YouTube and contemplated how depressed I've become. Ever since my accident I have been shutting myself off from the world and everyone in it. I feel as though I have been selfish and unfair to my children and husband I do not spend as much time with them as I should and that is not right. I feel as though I've waisted 2015. On March 3rd I broke my calf bones and could not walk or take care of my nephew anymore so I started to withdraw from everything and everyone and I became depressed that I couldn't walk or have Hayden around I once raised him for a long long time from eight months to three years old he lived with me day and night till weekend when he went with his awesome dad and the I watched him on weekday hours now I rarely see him due to everyone's busy schedule and it has been a shock to my system and prob his too so I try not to dwell about him because if I do I get too sad. Now that doesn't mean I never ever see him because I do it's just everyone except me works  and goes to school and I try not to think about him because I do it's just I try not to I think that because I have not talked about or thought about him It has done more bad than good because when you hold things inside and throw them out of thought then it will pent up and sooner or later it will overflow and when it overflows for me since I am bi-polar it doesn't overflow like a toilet it overflows like a breached levy in a hurricane. When that happens watch out I become psychotic. When I become manic like that it can have strong consequences for me and those around me which are usually family that don't deserve it. But I'm not at the stage that I just don't listen to my inner self and I don't talk about the issues at hand and that's not boiling over yet but it's brewing and causing side effects like not wanting to get out of bed not wanting to leave my room not wanting to go anywhere not wanting to take care of my body ie take showers brush hair wear clothes clean house those types of things. I'm writing this all down so I can look back on it and make a note of what's going on and try to fix it I need to look at my situation from the outside as if I'm deciphering someone else. But I don't yet know what the solution will be. I keep having odd random thoughts pop up in my head so much that I'm writing them down I don't know of to is happening because I've been inactive and my brain is firing off sparks of thoughts. Dear lord please push me to get well. I don't know if it is that obvious to my family but I am so sad so unmotivated so fatigued  one thing I wish I knew how to do is get out of to see state of being because that's such a  waste of time 

Halloween

Took my baby's trick or treating it sorta sucked because I can't walk so we took the Tahoe and went that way I mean it worked well but I enjoy walking it's just my back has been so terribly painful to where I can not stand on my feet more than three min without spasms erupting causing me to cripple over in pain I know it's my scoliosis and the screws from my operation causing edema and arthritis I'm getting really tired of living like this I can't do anything I can't even enjoy my family and the awesome fall activities and I have yet to have a shopping trip since before March and I love shopping! I'm so angry with my body and it's got me depressed and sad and hopeless but other than that I'm so grateful I could take them and spend that time with them I even took them awhile ago to adventure land USA I think it's called and they had a blast but they only way we were able to do it is if I used a wheelchair so I didn't get to enjoy all the rollercoasters and rides the go carts and laser tag but at least I got to watch my kids enjoy themselves I just wish God would take all this away so I can enjoy my life anywho sorry to be all negative nancy over here it's just I have no one to talk to no friends anyone I know is on fb and lives far away and I don't talk to them often so it's the only way I know to get my thoughts and such out.

Everyone deserves a chance

So I was watching a YouTube video about these people that volunteer their time in Africa to help people that are afflicted with jiggers. It touched my heart and had me thinking and this is the conversation I had with myself haha. Ok so these people that live in Africa are so poor they can't afford simple flip flops to cover their feet see apparently these jigger bugs can't jump high so simple sandals or flip flops will solve the problem of keeping these bugs from burrowing into the skin and laying eggs. It makes me so sad that I sit here in my air conditioned house on my microfiber bed writing on my iPad and looking at all this stuff I own and listening to my children play the newest halo on the Xbox one. Totally sickening to think these people and children of all ages are suffering so much and it makes me feel so guilty. How is it we live in a world where there are people that have so much money that they could retire and live off their bank account for the rest of their lives and their family can survive the next thousand years on that's money and yea they made their money or they were born into a family that made their money one way or another and that's ok that's fine they are not at fault for this system. The problem is we get to live this life one time and I believe it's not right for so many people to be suffering only due to where they were born or who gave birth to them. What I mean is these people given the chance would bust their bottom to provide for themselves and family. Also I think about how much resources we have in this world today   You hear about so many people saying the earth doesn't make enough food yet the United States of America alone throws away something like a third of the food we have so how could anyone say that there's just not enough to feed everyone. Not only is that a lie in my opinion but it's a lame excuse to use. Not only is there enough food but we have enough to clothe the world as well and that's just the stuff that gets disregarded by either kids growing out of their clothing or people with money needing the newest trendy clothing.  I know I'm going on and on and on. But there's a reason I am saying all this its to give you an example of the thoughts I'm having about it all. I believe there's enough everything in this world for everyone to live a happy and sustainable life yet due to the systems in place this is not happening and that means this system doesn't work because isn't that why the system is there isn't it so we can survive and enjoy our lives shouldn't that be at the core of our lives?  Should we not strive to make sure ever single person on the planet is taken care of? What's the purpose of it all if everyone can't live a happy life?  In this world the rich get richer and the poor get poorer and that must change. It can change because we the poor out number the rich and the rich are the ones in power all over the world don't think because you live in a democracy they don't rule over you because they do elections are just a ruse to keep us all from rising against them and changing things to what they should be in turn dropping them down a notch by lifting us up to their level. I am not for a socialist  society I believe everyone deserves everything they work for but I also think everyone deserves the same chance to make their lives worth living. Does that make any sense?  Now you all are reading this saying well that's great  and all yea I think everyone deserves a chance as well so now what lady how will we change the system? How will we make it fair for everyone?  Well as we know from history things can change governments can change laws can change. So what we need is the people willing to stand up and make it happen and like I said we outnumber them all we need to do is spread the word get likeminded smart peel together and start sharing ideas on how to make it work I don't have all the answers and if I or anyone did they would have started the change long ago   One thing I know needs to change to start is we need our America back we need our constitution back and those that think we have our constitution think again we have been secretly loosing our rights day by day the laws have been changing and so has our government the governments of the world are trying to band together to make a new world a one world government and when that happens we can all say goodbye to the thought of everyone having the chance to be something. I know I'm getting deeper but I tend to just go deep into things when I get going. But due to this being a written blog I'd like to end it here so people aren't reading for an hour lol I know to some of you maybe even most of you who ever you are reading this might think I'm crazy for thinking this was especially about our government and our rights and freedoms but that's ok you should question everything and research it on your own look at what all has been changing in our last few decades we have slowly been changing into something we are not meant to be. I ask you to please consider thinking about all I've said here and please feel free to comment or video log or blog even a response I wrote this just for people to do so I want everyone to try to think outside of your bubble outside of what effects you today and what might effect you tomorrow and what effects others today thank you so much for taking the time to read and to those I may have lit a spark in I am so grateful I've been able to do so. By the way if you want you can contact me on Facebook just search for Stephanie Farace Hamilton I'm the only one I'm also on Twitter @sandm4eternity although I don't use that as much I am also not on fb a lot but I am on YouTube often just search my name or sandm4eternity. Not sure which way to find me. Again thanks and God bless.

My sons heart

  So this post is going to be a long one its going to take time to write and I might (although I will try to not) say some things I don't mean to only that I'm angry and venting over something I have held back for 11 years so it started like this I met a guy I liked I was 14 I didn't know him but when I met him I immediately liked him I saw him a few times out and about while visiting friends then I went away for awhile and when I went back home I got a call one night from him and we started hanging out lil here lil there then one day or night rather we did something we shouldn't have and I ended up a pregnant teen it wasnt the best thing to happen at the time but this was the best thing that had ever happened to me ever! It started off like this I found out called him didn't get in touch with him he called me and first thing I hear is how do u know that it's mine ? My answer was hmm let's see I haven't been with anyone else and for the next 8 months I met with him twice one time to talk about it the next when my stepfather and his friend decided to confront him for the things he was saying ya know I tried to not let it bother me that he said it wasn't his to others and that to some he'd say we'll she made me or got me drunk I mean I heard so many crazy stories don't know what's real but what is real is he has yet to man up and all I'd ever wanted was both my kids parents to be in their lives but you can't force someone to be parent and its sad but when I had Brian  I called him to let him know even though he never called to see how things were and always acted as if he cared less that he was having a kid I still though I should call to tell him he's a father of a healthy boy and when I did the response was not what I expected I was confused this guy this 19 year old man that always showed me that he wanted nothing to do with this baby yells at me for not telling him when I went into the hospital so he could be there for the birth of his kid I was flabbergasted speechless I was like uh really r you kidding no way can this guy be for real but whatever that's great he actually does care for this baby he did try to come by the house once I hadn't gotten home yet and for the longest I couldn't tell if he actually did come by no note or anything but my husband told me that this Is  years later tells me that he and a friend had actually gone with him to my house to see the baby which I think is so funny I had not met my husband at that point ever but he entered in and out of my life from then on in odd funny ways but that's for another post newho not long after his mother and two younger sibs came by to see Brian that was great I was happy that that part of his family was going to be around I'm greatful for that I'm happy that he has his aunt uncle and cousins although he doesn't get to see or talk to them much now he knows that they are accepting of  him and that means the world to him so when Brian was three month old I tracked down where his father was because Brian had an infection and needed meds and I couldn't afford them so I went to the only other person his father and he was cold and it was awkward he showed that he didn't care not one bit and he didn't help and it angered me that was the first and last time I ever asked him for money help or any help now from time to time I saw his mother and grandmother when Brian was young and there was a point that Brian got to see them a lot which was awesome so when I met mike my husband Brian was 16 months old and Brian liked him so much it was awesome to have a male figure in his life and within a few month wew were a family and have been ever since now ever since the beginning Brian has been told about his father I never talked bad of him to Brian I would never do that I always feel that a child needs and deserves both parents it's essential for kids to have a relationship with their mothers and fathers no matter what kind of person the parents are or how much they don't like each other anyways we've always told Brian that mike  is mike and you can call him mike or dad and for awhile it was just mike then he started calling him dad and mike now its dad always and never mike now of corse this wasnt right away number one Brian was too young and two we had just started dating of corse but once Brian was older and we were certain that we were serious we sat him down and told  him how it was and I've always told him about his  bio dad who he is and that he's there I think he's struggled with the fact that he didn't have him in s life even though when I speak to him about it he states that it doesn't bother him it has to on some level. Now when Brian was 3 his bio dad started coming around and this happened to be the me time mike and I were planning our upcoming wedding now I don't know why he decided to want to see him I didn't care I did however care for Brian's safety and did not trust for him to be alone with Brian I just didn't so anytime he wanted to see Brian I was always staying during the visit , which was never at my house due to mike not liking Brian's father since before I knew mike . So we all went elsewhere and that was that now that lasted a few months then it ended as quickly as it began and I think it was a mix of things which is again for another post anyways that was the only time he ever did get to spend time with his bio dad now for the past few years Brian has been asking if it would be possible for mike to adopt him and be his only father and have his last name it's been important for him and mike and I would also like this but to me mike will always be his dad no matter what legal papers or names are so Brian decided he wanted to contact his b dad and ask him to sign his rights over so that mike can be his father legally and have Hamilton as his last name now everyone I had talked to about this said of corse he will say yes to him why wouldn't he its not like he ever sees or talks to him now we do live many states away but he's never called either so I honestly think he doesn't want kids but anyways everyone though he'd just be okay with it but not me I knew he would say no now I don't know the reasons but I suspect it has to do with selfishness and maybe he does want to have a relationship with Brian just doesn't know how . Maybe I will never know so anyways Brian wrote down what he wanted to say and called him now from what Brian says he told him he would have to think about it so a few days go by and I get a text stating oh btw your answer is no now I figured he'd be like   That but I also really wanted Brian to get what he's wanted for awhile I'm guessing maybe Brian's father wants to reconnect or maybe he thinks that this isn't what Brian wants idk honestly it's all crazy but I texted him back had a few things I needed to say but he says he loves Brian and if he'd had the chance he'd be there for Brian but that makes nosense due to the fact that no one and nothing has kept him from the chance of having a relationship with Brian but himself now that angered me because I've neve ever kept him from talking or seeing Brian ever ugh so much to deal with and now I have to be the one to break  my sons heart about this but anyways I just felt like venting and maybe someone has sme insight they can share with me by the way  he has to pay child support he has never paid until I got on Medicaid and they forced me to file I  didn't want to because I don't want anything from this guy and what I wanted more was Brian to have both parents in his life now I also figured maybe he would say yes due to the support he has to pay so now that he's not signing his rights over maybe he does want to know Brian but he hasn't called or wrote Brian and I don't know why if he cares so much why doesn't he show it?? Thanks for reading and suggestions and prayers are welcome !  

That's it I quit!

  So I have stopped smoking.  This is a journey I have taken before only this time it's much more important to quit.  My husband will be having surgery on his thyroid they have to remove his para thyroid glands because they have tumors and your para thyroids are located on the backside of your thyroid which sits in front of your voice box in your throat. 

Because he will be getting his neck worked on he must stop smoking because cigarettes cause your throat to swell and swelling is bad when you have a dr going in there and cutting around your voice box and everything else that's in there.

So in order to limit as much risk  as we can he has decided to quit therefor I need to quit for this to be successful for him but not only that their are tons of reasons for me to quit like the fact that smoking is so expensive here I pay over six 

Dollars a pack and I smoke a pack to a pack and a half a day times that by two and that's a heck of a lot of money a week month year too much that could be going towards my kids also smoking is unhealthy in so many ways.  Here's be smoking is bad on my kids in a few different ways second hand smoke is one them seeing me smoke is another we can all teach our kids not to do things they see us do but wouldn't it be better  if we didn't do those things anyway  honestly be thing I can't wait for is to get my taste of food back everything tastes so dull and honestly I stink of smoke for people that don't smoke it's a nasty smell that can be detected right away one way I plan on quitting is I got lots of hard candy to occupy my mouth don't know how well it will work but why not right also walking I plan on walking after meals because I think this is the worst time for me after I eat I just want to smoke so badly plus it will help with any added weight I put on from smoking I really plan on keeping myself as busy as I can for the next few months till all my urges die down a bit now my grandmother always told me that the urge never went away for her but  she said what helped was knowing that cigarettes were always going to be there and that somehow helped her .  Also the story of how she quit is awesome she had went to check the mail  had a coughing spell came in say at the table and prayed for god to make it stop she said she felt the hand of god touch her head and felt him ooze warmth thru her body and from then on never had she wanted another cigarette now I'm sure she would tell the story better but I think you can understand that I believe in the power of prayer so I also plan to do a lot of praying! And if anyone reading this has quit and has some advice just leave a comment for me I'm open to try anything! Well just about anything lol I have heard of some odd things people  do to kick habits well I have been smoking for 15 years which makes me feel old but I was 12 when I started and to think my oldest son is 11 and I could never imagine m smoking he's too innocent and such a baby boy to me I can't fathom it and to think I had my mom buying me smokes I was so manipulative at that age even . So I can't totally blame her but that's another post altogether well I hope I have inspired someone to think about quitting just weigh the benefits and cons see whats better and go from their thanks for reading and I look forward to your comments bellow t.t.f.n.

How to die in Oregon aka assisted suicide

So I just watched a documentary called how to die in Oregon and it follows some people that have been told by their dr that they have so much time to live so they decide to take death into their own hands some for control but most so they won't be in any more pain most have cancer most have no cure over 50 my thing is I'm a Christian an I firmly believe that taking your own life is a sin and not one you can repent for I do understand that not everyone shares the same belief and I also get that these people are suffering but not one dr can say that your going to die and that's that god works miracles also when you pass a law that says you can kill yourself assisted by a dr you have a problem where your insurance is more likely to not cover treatment and more likely to cover this assisted suicide which is a huge issue but theirs a man he's in s 80s he's going to die he's in pain he wants to go what do you say to that.... I don't think the answer is clear here any form of taking ones life for any reason is a sin but one not everyone shares in that belief and two these people are suffering its like there is no good answer here but I do think our world is too corrupt to allow assisted suicide it would be so misused and you would have insurance issues where like I said they would want to not cover treatment that could prolong your life but instead want to assist you in death and you just can't have that I would like to hear what others may think about this 

New clay creations

  So I just wanted to show a few polymer clay creations I've made lately so here they are I will add more to another most soon please feel free to let me know what you thing thanks . So the first is the little mermaid she's made from fimo and sculpey clay baked then painted and glazed with triple thick.  Then we have an anime chibi charm gray with blue hair done with fimo clay and has a finish done with pledge floor finish.  The last image is a few buttons not finished made from molds casted from some vintage buttons I had that I wanted to have more of I used fimo clay and the molds are made from a mold two part putty and I plan on sanding with wet/dry sandpaper then using mica pigments to give it an awesome color if you have any questions please feel free to comment thanks 

,

             M.