My sons heart

  So this post is going to be a long one its going to take time to write and I might (although I will try to not) say some things I don't mean to only that I'm angry and venting over something I have held back for 11 years so it started like this I met a guy I liked I was 14 I didn't know him but when I met him I immediately liked him I saw him a few times out and about while visiting friends then I went away for awhile and when I went back home I got a call one night from him and we started hanging out lil here lil there then one day or night rather we did something we shouldn't have and I ended up a pregnant teen it wasnt the best thing to happen at the time but this was the best thing that had ever happened to me ever! It started off like this I found out called him didn't get in touch with him he called me and first thing I hear is how do u know that it's mine ? My answer was hmm let's see I haven't been with anyone else and for the next 8 months I met with him twice one time to talk about it the next when my stepfather and his friend decided to confront him for the things he was saying ya know I tried to not let it bother me that he said it wasn't his to others and that to some he'd say we'll she made me or got me drunk I mean I heard so many crazy stories don't know what's real but what is real is he has yet to man up and all I'd ever wanted was both my kids parents to be in their lives but you can't force someone to be parent and its sad but when I had Brian  I called him to let him know even though he never called to see how things were and always acted as if he cared less that he was having a kid I still though I should call to tell him he's a father of a healthy boy and when I did the response was not what I expected I was confused this guy this 19 year old man that always showed me that he wanted nothing to do with this baby yells at me for not telling him when I went into the hospital so he could be there for the birth of his kid I was flabbergasted speechless I was like uh really r you kidding no way can this guy be for real but whatever that's great he actually does care for this baby he did try to come by the house once I hadn't gotten home yet and for the longest I couldn't tell if he actually did come by no note or anything but my husband told me that this Is  years later tells me that he and a friend had actually gone with him to my house to see the baby which I think is so funny I had not met my husband at that point ever but he entered in and out of my life from then on in odd funny ways but that's for another post newho not long after his mother and two younger sibs came by to see Brian that was great I was happy that that part of his family was going to be around I'm greatful for that I'm happy that he has his aunt uncle and cousins although he doesn't get to see or talk to them much now he knows that they are accepting of  him and that means the world to him so when Brian was three month old I tracked down where his father was because Brian had an infection and needed meds and I couldn't afford them so I went to the only other person his father and he was cold and it was awkward he showed that he didn't care not one bit and he didn't help and it angered me that was the first and last time I ever asked him for money help or any help now from time to time I saw his mother and grandmother when Brian was young and there was a point that Brian got to see them a lot which was awesome so when I met mike my husband Brian was 16 months old and Brian liked him so much it was awesome to have a male figure in his life and within a few month wew were a family and have been ever since now ever since the beginning Brian has been told about his father I never talked bad of him to Brian I would never do that I always feel that a child needs and deserves both parents it's essential for kids to have a relationship with their mothers and fathers no matter what kind of person the parents are or how much they don't like each other anyways we've always told Brian that mike  is mike and you can call him mike or dad and for awhile it was just mike then he started calling him dad and mike now its dad always and never mike now of corse this wasnt right away number one Brian was too young and two we had just started dating of corse but once Brian was older and we were certain that we were serious we sat him down and told  him how it was and I've always told him about his  bio dad who he is and that he's there I think he's struggled with the fact that he didn't have him in s life even though when I speak to him about it he states that it doesn't bother him it has to on some level. Now when Brian was 3 his bio dad started coming around and this happened to be the me time mike and I were planning our upcoming wedding now I don't know why he decided to want to see him I didn't care I did however care for Brian's safety and did not trust for him to be alone with Brian I just didn't so anytime he wanted to see Brian I was always staying during the visit , which was never at my house due to mike not liking Brian's father since before I knew mike . So we all went elsewhere and that was that now that lasted a few months then it ended as quickly as it began and I think it was a mix of things which is again for another post anyways that was the only time he ever did get to spend time with his bio dad now for the past few years Brian has been asking if it would be possible for mike to adopt him and be his only father and have his last name it's been important for him and mike and I would also like this but to me mike will always be his dad no matter what legal papers or names are so Brian decided he wanted to contact his b dad and ask him to sign his rights over so that mike can be his father legally and have Hamilton as his last name now everyone I had talked to about this said of corse he will say yes to him why wouldn't he its not like he ever sees or talks to him now we do live many states away but he's never called either so I honestly think he doesn't want kids but anyways everyone though he'd just be okay with it but not me I knew he would say no now I don't know the reasons but I suspect it has to do with selfishness and maybe he does want to have a relationship with Brian just doesn't know how . Maybe I will never know so anyways Brian wrote down what he wanted to say and called him now from what Brian says he told him he would have to think about it so a few days go by and I get a text stating oh btw your answer is no now I figured he'd be like   That but I also really wanted Brian to get what he's wanted for awhile I'm guessing maybe Brian's father wants to reconnect or maybe he thinks that this isn't what Brian wants idk honestly it's all crazy but I texted him back had a few things I needed to say but he says he loves Brian and if he'd had the chance he'd be there for Brian but that makes nosense due to the fact that no one and nothing has kept him from the chance of having a relationship with Brian but himself now that angered me because I've neve ever kept him from talking or seeing Brian ever ugh so much to deal with and now I have to be the one to break  my sons heart about this but anyways I just felt like venting and maybe someone has sme insight they can share with me by the way  he has to pay child support he has never paid until I got on Medicaid and they forced me to file I  didn't want to because I don't want anything from this guy and what I wanted more was Brian to have both parents in his life now I also figured maybe he would say yes due to the support he has to pay so now that he's not signing his rights over maybe he does want to know Brian but he hasn't called or wrote Brian and I don't know why if he cares so much why doesn't he show it?? Thanks for reading and suggestions and prayers are welcome !  

That's it I quit!

  So I have stopped smoking.  This is a journey I have taken before only this time it's much more important to quit.  My husband will be having surgery on his thyroid they have to remove his para thyroid glands because they have tumors and your para thyroids are located on the backside of your thyroid which sits in front of your voice box in your throat. 

Because he will be getting his neck worked on he must stop smoking because cigarettes cause your throat to swell and swelling is bad when you have a dr going in there and cutting around your voice box and everything else that's in there.

So in order to limit as much risk  as we can he has decided to quit therefor I need to quit for this to be successful for him but not only that their are tons of reasons for me to quit like the fact that smoking is so expensive here I pay over six 

Dollars a pack and I smoke a pack to a pack and a half a day times that by two and that's a heck of a lot of money a week month year too much that could be going towards my kids also smoking is unhealthy in so many ways.  Here's be smoking is bad on my kids in a few different ways second hand smoke is one them seeing me smoke is another we can all teach our kids not to do things they see us do but wouldn't it be better  if we didn't do those things anyway  honestly be thing I can't wait for is to get my taste of food back everything tastes so dull and honestly I stink of smoke for people that don't smoke it's a nasty smell that can be detected right away one way I plan on quitting is I got lots of hard candy to occupy my mouth don't know how well it will work but why not right also walking I plan on walking after meals because I think this is the worst time for me after I eat I just want to smoke so badly plus it will help with any added weight I put on from smoking I really plan on keeping myself as busy as I can for the next few months till all my urges die down a bit now my grandmother always told me that the urge never went away for her but  she said what helped was knowing that cigarettes were always going to be there and that somehow helped her .  Also the story of how she quit is awesome she had went to check the mail  had a coughing spell came in say at the table and prayed for god to make it stop she said she felt the hand of god touch her head and felt him ooze warmth thru her body and from then on never had she wanted another cigarette now I'm sure she would tell the story better but I think you can understand that I believe in the power of prayer so I also plan to do a lot of praying! And if anyone reading this has quit and has some advice just leave a comment for me I'm open to try anything! Well just about anything lol I have heard of some odd things people  do to kick habits well I have been smoking for 15 years which makes me feel old but I was 12 when I started and to think my oldest son is 11 and I could never imagine m smoking he's too innocent and such a baby boy to me I can't fathom it and to think I had my mom buying me smokes I was so manipulative at that age even . So I can't totally blame her but that's another post altogether well I hope I have inspired someone to think about quitting just weigh the benefits and cons see whats better and go from their thanks for reading and I look forward to your comments bellow t.t.f.n.

How to die in Oregon aka assisted suicide

So I just watched a documentary called how to die in Oregon and it follows some people that have been told by their dr that they have so much time to live so they decide to take death into their own hands some for control but most so they won't be in any more pain most have cancer most have no cure over 50 my thing is I'm a Christian an I firmly believe that taking your own life is a sin and not one you can repent for I do understand that not everyone shares the same belief and I also get that these people are suffering but not one dr can say that your going to die and that's that god works miracles also when you pass a law that says you can kill yourself assisted by a dr you have a problem where your insurance is more likely to not cover treatment and more likely to cover this assisted suicide which is a huge issue but theirs a man he's in s 80s he's going to die he's in pain he wants to go what do you say to that.... I don't think the answer is clear here any form of taking ones life for any reason is a sin but one not everyone shares in that belief and two these people are suffering its like there is no good answer here but I do think our world is too corrupt to allow assisted suicide it would be so misused and you would have insurance issues where like I said they would want to not cover treatment that could prolong your life but instead want to assist you in death and you just can't have that I would like to hear what others may think about this 

New clay creations

  So I just wanted to show a few polymer clay creations I've made lately so here they are I will add more to another most soon please feel free to let me know what you thing thanks . So the first is the little mermaid she's made from fimo and sculpey clay baked then painted and glazed with triple thick.  Then we have an anime chibi charm gray with blue hair done with fimo clay and has a finish done with pledge floor finish.  The last image is a few buttons not finished made from molds casted from some vintage buttons I had that I wanted to have more of I used fimo clay and the molds are made from a mold two part putty and I plan on sanding with wet/dry sandpaper then using mica pigments to give it an awesome color if you have any questions please feel free to comment thanks 

,

             M.                                    

                                              

                          

                                                  

                                                       

                                                          

                                                               

Walmart lanes

  This post is about Walmart  and how they have 20 registers with only 4 or 5 open at any givin time now I don't know if its the same where you are but here in maryland every one I have been to is like this now why have so many lanes if  your not going to open more than four at a time? And why not open more you have like ten people waiting in one lane so wouldn't  it be better for your customers to open more lanes I know their has to be some people that just don't go to Walmart for that rreason alone trust me I sometimes think about putting my stuff up and leaving when I see how crazy the lines are its uncalled for and shouldn't be that way when you have that many lanes ugh I just don't get it! Okay well that's enough venting for now this for hanging in there and listening to my rant t.t.f.n.

New to blogging,help!

  So I have just started my blog as you can see and I have no idea how to do anything I don't know how to link anything into a blog I even got an app that helps but it doesn't really explain how to do stuff my main issue is posting links but also how can I get my blog to get more views and comments I know subject matter is obviously me way but other than that I don't know how to promote also I can't figure out how to add a pin to Pinterest on my blog so if anyone can help out with that that would be awesome! I like to write about all kinds of different things like crafting married life kids life in general and soon maybe even a bit of my opinion on politics  now should I create different blogs for this or should I stick to one and keep it simple also is it okay to offer things for sale on a blog? And does that work if it is okay? I'm sure I will think of other stuff but I believe I have hit on most of my issues at the moment if anyone has any answers or suggestions feel free to comment it would really help me out thanks t.t.f.n.

My boys

So this week my husband and I are without our boys they have been taken by their papa to Georgia where he lives for a mini vacation for about a week I have never been without my boys for this long exempt for when they were really little and visited their grama in Colorado which was many years ago so not having them the first week of summer break gives me time to do me but I miss them so much already it's only tues and they left Sunday and I don't know what to do with myself so any advice on what a mama can do without her cubs that doesn't involve cleaning! I'd love to hear my hubby came to me last night and said would it be pathetic if I said I already really miss them and say its too quiet around here ? I said no not all I missed them an hour into them being gone! My dad called Monday night they were at Walmart picking up some things and my father says well I think I forget to get Brayden's (my 9 yr old ) Ritalin from ya ! He's so into everything at the store saying hey look at this have you seen this hey this is cool what do you think about this! Lol my boy gets very excited about things and it can be a little overwhelming and he has indeed been tested for add or ADHD and he's clear not that I think I could have put him on meds but that's for another post well I'm sitting here at Starbucks enjoying my coffee and thinking of what fun they all must be having down south! Ttfn 

10 years...

 this month is the month I have been with my hubby for ten years! Seems like yesterday that I went to his house for a party and never left! We have been through hardships worth a lifetime but the mountain was worth climbing to get to this beautiful view at the top we met ten years ago and it was like fate drew us together my life was spiraling out of control and he helped me put the pieces back together we have two amazing sons Brian he's 11 and graduating fifth grade  and Brayden he's 9 they grow up so fast too fast If you ask me! My life is better than I could have ever guessed it would be. My kids are growing into loving young men and the love my husband mike and I share is ever growing and it's been crazy at times and I would like to sometime soon blog about it but right now I would like to talk about the good times at least a few of them the day he met my son was the day I knew I would marry this man I was 17 he was 20 I had a young son under two and he was working as a pizza cook a year later I was very pregnant with Brayden and we were moving into our own apartment our life together was fast paced more so then most relationships but I knew this was the man I would be with forever I don't know how to explain it it was like a voice telling me this is it we got married on a hot muggy Florida day outside with family and close friends we didn't have money we actually paid for everything with the 500 dollars my grandmother gifted us and that paid for the space chairs and some food my dress was 20 dollars and someone I'm not going to name names forgot to bring batteries for the CD player so someone offered to back up their truck and open all the doors to play the wedding music yup we had somewhat of a redneck wedding but none of that matters what mattered was the bond we were making the joining of two families the celebration of the years to come we left Florida a few times and always came back until dec 2007 that's when we made the move to our now native state of maryland we had been having a tough time in fl and got an offer from an uncle for a job towing for my husband to do and let me tell you that move saved us that was the best thing we ever did I at first hated that I had to leave family and friends even tho I had family here I knew no one else and still don't but financial stability can make other aspects of life better it lightens the load of stress in so many ways I am so great full to my uncle for the opportunity to start anew without it I honestly can't say how things would have ended up for mike and I .  I have uncles and aunts and grand parents here which is nice but I still haven't been able to make friends mike and I .  We don't go out anywhere he's married to his tow truck has to stay in towing zone he's on call 24/7 and I haven't had to make friends since school so I don't know how to connect lol anyways this has gotten a bit off subject so I will end before I go on too much I'd just like to say thanks to all the people who have helped mike and I create such an awesome life together with such amazing kids ! And a big thanks to god who has yet to leave us hanging in time of need t.t.f.n. (TA TA for now) 

Spine surgery...and the problems that arise

So I had spine surgery back in June 2009 it's been five years and for so long I was blessed with so much less pain recently out of nowhere I've been getting severe stabbing pains in my lower spine where one of my pedicle screws are I made a apt to see the surgeon and today I saw him he says in the X-rays everything looks okay which is great but I have been reading and what can happen is the screws can shift just the smallest amount and hit a nerve and they have to do a ct scan to see if that has hapend but my Surgeon only did an X-ray told me he thinks I need physical therapy and a back brace and sent me on my way now I'm thinking of getting another opinion because I am having a lot of pain and its odd to me that I didn't do anything to provoke it and something just feels wrong I'm having numbness not like tingling numbness but epidural medication numbness and the stabbing is random at most times but it is right at my right l3 pedicle screw location and when I get the pain that's stabbing it literally has me vocal and feels like I'm being kicked behind the knee and it has been so scary and on the way home go figure I started getting pain on the left side now I'm thinking what is going on am I going crazy ? The dr thinks its my muscles so why am I getting the pain in my bones I even showed him the area and for some odd reason he thinks its my muscle but honestly I've never really understood this dr got to love my insurance it took me so long to find a dr that actually took my insurance before I was able to have my surgery hell it took 3 yrs before any dr could figure out what was wrong with me go figure that one out I had been walking around for how ever long with a broken spine and I also have bulging disks in my neck and lower back its all caused by my scoliosis which is mild but the issues from it a not so much man I just wish I knew what to do I've gotten so far and now I feel like I'm back tracking beyond where I had started if anyone has gone thru this or is a dr and has any info or advice for me please let me know what I can do or whats worked for you I plan to do the therapy and wear the brace but I just feel like this is a far fetched answer to whats going on ....thanks for taking the time to read about my issues ... God bless you all ps I also wanted to add if anyone has had spine surgery have you had or heard of someone having a k wire shear off in the bone during surgery that the dr left in cuz that's what happend and he claimed to not have been able to get it out so I don't know anything about surgery and in no dr and don't know any and can't find anything about this online ...

Polymer clay

I just love polymer clay.  The stuff you can create is amazing!  I enjoy that it is so therapeutic as well and you don't need to know much to start only be able to use your hands. I plan on making some posts about the things I have been creating I have never made a blog I have only read them.  So I'm sorry if anything I write is confusing.  I hope to meet new people that like to craft and blog on here as well as maybe some locals because I don't know anyone where I live and have no social outlet! Back on the subject of clay well I like to get my polymer clay at michaels in my area I've also been able to find small kits at Walmart  but the best place would be michaels so far now that's only where I have found it if anyone local to Baltimore knows another place let me know.  Well I hope to be able to write a few posts about me and clay soon and please I'm open to all forms of criticism like I said I'm very new to this and could use any and all advice thanks -Stephanie